Rediscovering Your Sexuality After Losing a Partner

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Hello Handsome- A fellow Tom of P-town blog reader requested we address this very important topic. Losing a beloved partner is never easy, and grief can profoundly affect all aspects of our lives—including sexuality. In the gay community, partners often form our closest bonds, making the loss even more devastating. It is entirely normal for libido and sexual desire to wane during the grieving process, but it can be jarring and guilt-inducing when that desire starts to return. This post explores the brain chemistry behind grief, how it affects libido, and offers pharmacological and herbal considerations, as well as ten concrete steps to help you rediscover your sexual self in a healthy, guilt-free way.

The Brain Chemistry of Grief

  1. Stress Hormones and the HPA Axis
    When we experience a traumatic loss, our body initiates a stress response through the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. Elevated levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) can inhibit the release of sex hormones, dampening libido (McEwen, 2017).

  2. Neurotransmitters and Mood
    Grief often leads to heightened levels of certain neurotransmitters linked with sadness and anxiety (e.g., glutamate), while reducing levels of feel-good chemicals like serotonin and dopamine. This imbalance can impair motivation, pleasure, and sexual desire (Krishnan & Nestler, 2008).

  3. The Role of Oxytocin
    Oxytocin—sometimes called the “bonding hormone”—is released during intimate moments and affectionate touch. When a loved one passes, the sudden cessation of this hormonal feedback loop intensifies feelings of emptiness and further reduces the drive for physical contact (Carter, 2014).

  4. Cognitive and Emotional Overload
    Grief triggers rumination and intrusive thoughts, crowding out sexual feelings and dampening libido (Stroebe, Schut, & Stroebe, 2007).

Pharmacological Support

Antidepressants With Lower Risk of Sexual Side Effects

While many common antidepressants, particularly Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), can cause or worsen sexual dysfunction, there are options with a lower incidence of libido-related side effects:

  • Bupropion (Wellbutrin): Known for its relatively lower impact on sexual function and, in some cases, it may even improve libido (Clayton et al., 2006).

  • Mirtazapine (Remeron): Though sedation and weight gain can be concerns, mirtazapine is often associated with fewer sexual side effects compared to SSRIs (Hoffmann et al., 2020).

Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider before starting, stopping, or changing medications. Individual responses vary, and the best choice depends on your overall medical profile, potential interactions, and personal preferences.

Herbal Recommendations and Safety Considerations

Some people explore herbal supplements alongside therapy or medication. While certain herbs have been anecdotally linked to improved mood or sexual function, caution is essential:

  • St. John’s Wort: Often used for mild to moderate depression. However, it can interact with many medications (including HIV treatments and other antidepressants), so professional guidance is crucial (Barnes, Anderson, & Phillipson, 2001).

  • Maca Root: Historically used to boost energy, stamina, and libido. Though some small-scale studies suggest potential benefits for sexual desire, more research is needed, and quality can vary widely among supplements (Gonzales, 2012). If you'd like you can order  
  • Saffron: Preliminary studies show it may help with sexual dysfunction, especially SSRI-induced sexual side effects, but research is still emerging (Modabbernia et al., 2012).

Always opt for reputable brands that follow good manufacturing practices, and discuss any supplements with your healthcare provider to avoid harmful interactions or side effects. If you'd like to try any of these please purchase them from a reputable source that offers products with consistent and safe ingredients. You are welcome to order these from the Tom of P-Town Dispensary by clicking here. 

Overcoming Guilt and Shame

Guilt often arises from the belief that resuming sexual activity dishonors the memory of your deceased partner. Sexual desire is a core part of being human—it does not equate to disloyalty. Shame, especially within the LGBTQ+ community, can also compound feelings of loss. Working through these emotions may involve talk therapy, peer support, or counseling focused on LGBTQ+ and grief issues.

10 Concrete Steps Toward Healing and Sexual Rediscovery

  1. Allow Time for Grief
    Give yourself permission to experience every emotion without forcing yourself into sexual situations prematurely.

  2. Seek Professional Support
    Talk therapy or counseling with a grief specialist—especially one knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ issues—can help you process loss and address sexual concerns in a safe setting.

  3. Consider Pharmacological Assistance
    If depression or pervasive sadness hampers your healing, speak with a psychiatrist about antidepressants less likely to affect libido (e.g., bupropion). Monitor your response closely.

  4. Self-Compassion Practices
    Use affirmations or journaling to challenge negative beliefs about disloyalty or shame. Reframe sexual desire as a sign of ongoing life.

  5. Open Communication With Trusted Friends
    Discuss the complexities of grieving and sexuality to counter isolation. If you feel stuck, consider a grief support group—many exist within LGBTQ+ communities.

  6. Physical Reconnection
    Start with gentle, non-sexual bodywork like yoga or massage, helping you reconnect with your physical self in a soothing way.

  7. Sensual Touch
    Try sensual (not necessarily sexual) touch, such as massaging your arms with lotion or taking a warm bath. These simple steps can reawaken sensation without pressure to perform.

  8. Set Incremental Goals
    Whether it’s going on a casual date or simply flirting online, break larger challenges into smaller steps to reduce anxiety.

  9. Self-Pleasure Exploration
    Masturbation is a private, low-pressure way to rediscover pleasure. Focus on curiosity over performance or guilt.

  10. Honor Your Partner’s Memory
    Create a ritual, keepsake, or other tribute that brings you comfort. Symbolically release guilt or shame by acknowledging that your partner’s memory lives on, even as you move forward with your own life.

Conclusion

Rediscovering your sexuality after the death of a cherished partner is a profound and personal process, blending the emotional, physical, and even pharmacological facets of healing. By recognizing the biological impact of grief, seeking professional help (including safe pharmacological and herbal options when appropriate), and implementing practical steps to reintroduce intimacy, you can honor both your past love and your own needs as you continue to live and love.

Remember, there is no universal timeline. Healing is personal and cyclical. Whatever pace feels right for you is the correct one.

References

Barnes, J., Anderson, L. A., & Phillipson, J. D. (2001). St John’s wort (Hypericum perforatum L.): a review of its chemistry, pharmacology and clinical properties. Journal of Pharmacy and Pharmacology, 53(5), 583–600.
Carter, C. S. (2014). Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 17–39.
Clayton, A. H., Warnock, J. K., Kornstein, S. G., Pinkerton, R., Jannoun, L., & Bass, K. (2006). A placebo-controlled trial of bupropion SR as an antidote for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor-induced sexual dysfunction. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 67(1), 73–79.
Gonzales, G. F. (2012). Ethnobiology and ethnopharmacology of Lepidium meyenii (Maca), a plant from the Peruvian Highlands. Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine, 2012, 193496.
Hoffmann, C., Glaesmer, H., & Hegerl, U. (2020). Are mirtazapine and bupropion differently associated with sexual functioning than SSRIs? International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice, 24(4), 361–367.
Krishnan, V., & Nestler, E. J. (2008). The molecular neurobiology of depression. Nature, 455(7215), 894–902.
McEwen, B. S. (2017). Neurobiological and systemic effects of chronic stress. Chronic Stress, 1, 1–11.
Modabbernia, A., Sohrabi, H., Nasehi, A. A., Raisi, F., & Akhondzadeh, S. (2012). Effect of saffron on fluoxetine-induced sexual impairment in men: randomized double-blind placebo-controlled trial. Psychopharmacology, 223(4), 381–388.
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Stroebe, W. (2007). Health outcomes of bereavement. The Lancet, 370(9603), 1960–1973.

Until next time, Tom of P-Town
Healing can take time—take as much as you need.

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